55 things Caius Volturi Cannot Do
by Frigus cor
Summary: Look up! The description is there people!


1. Make out with Hermione (gross mental image)

2. In the movie smile a lot

3. Dye his hair purple

his nose and love bunnies

5. Point at someone and shout "your one of them" and run, then fall and crawl away slowly

a donut and complain to the manager there's a hole in it, then drain him dry lick his lips stare at a camera and say "I'm gay"

7. Put up a lost dog poster with a picture of a cat on it

8. Go to the pet shop point at an employee and shout "I want that one Mo-I mean Aro!" (It'd be weird)

9. Get in an a crowded elevator and say "I know your all wondering why I called you hear" then say "free hugs!"

10. Say "some cereals give me gas" while making farting noises in the background and hope nobody realizes vampires cant fart

11. Admit Stephanie Meyers is on crack because he's a figment of her messed I

Imagination (who the fuck sees sparkling people)

12. Look at the back of Marcus's pants for like 10 minutes and then say "well hello there dingle berry!"

13. Say he is the king of all cheeses except vampire cheese which is found in Bulgaria

14. Go up to Sulcipia and say "how dare you temt me with these Bolgarious situations!"

15. Yell at edward (the pervy dick!) "how dare you interrupt me while I'm pretending to be busy!"

16. Yell out randomly during interrogations "yay! I'm taking a poop!"

17. Tell a human "go away. You smell like boiled cabbage"

18. Force Alec and Jane to listen to him read Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in a sexual voice and hand motions on repeat

19. Ask Marcus "why do we have to buy Barbie friends if she's so popular" every day till he tells Caius to stfu

20. Run into Heidi's room, bang her then tell her "I lost my necklace and virginity in a river with carlisle" then run out screaming about Marcus's face

21. Run back and tell her if she doesn't take a shit then he's gonna rip her head of.

22. Ask Aro "why is Uranus blue?"

23. Walking by Aro say "Older people think they know better than us. Yet they had to fight two world wars to get things straight. And still it isn't." Then whistle

24. Sing 'do you wanna build a snowman' to Jane

25. Tell someone that vampires can eat rocks and poop out butterflies

26. Become a religious vampire, and pray constantly and tell everyone that Jesus is gay

27. Say he's a crazy motherfucker that needs a major mani pedi, in a super gay voice

28. Wear a belly shirt a booty shorts *shudder*

29. Tell Jane he fucked her mom

30. In a public toilet pass a note to the person on the next stall saying 'they're onto us we need to go!'

31. Dress up as Gianna and hiss at every vampire, laugh when they can't drain him, then switch back and have Gianna drained my a pissed of vamp for no reason

32. Go in Victoria's Secret and walk around in a really revealing lingerie

33. Hide in a women's store and hide in the clothing racks, when someone comes by jump up and shout "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

34. Smirk like jasper in eclipse and then say 'never turn your back on your enemy, or friends!" Then hug a werewolf.

35. Run past a cop station, grab a car and shout "you can't catch me while running with the car above his head

36. Streak on the highway at random moments jump in front of cars making them stop and then run

37. Inhale helium and then tell Corin to follow the yellow brick road

38. Go to McDonald's and ask for a sad meal, then yell SAD PEOPLE HAVE TO EAT TOO!

39. Call Wendy's and ask for the number of Burger King

40. Show a picture of yourself to a unsuspecting human and ask if they have seen this person

41. Dress up as a giant Hershey's bar and run in a supermarket screaming 'the snickers are coming'

42. Made loud moans in the throne room and then scream 'yes! Aro!'

43. Dress up as a chicken run into chic kids and scream "your eating my children"

44. Call Mcdonalds and yell about the importance of being a vegetarian, then order a chicken dinner

45. Write a note saying 'sorry for the damage to your car' and out it on a random cat

46. Scream in IKEA "I'm naked don't look!" And see now many people look

47. Take a bunch of balls and stuff them in a bra, wear it in a mall, when they fall scream 'dammit my balls"

48. Go to a Chinese restaurant and scream at the turtles in the tank "roger! WERE ARE YOU!?"

49. Buy an ice cream, ask the cashier if they believe in unicorns then squish the cone on his head

50. Then say 'jk, I'm a vampire," then walk out.

51. Put your wet hands on someone face and yell "I DROPPED MY COMMON SENSE IN THE TOILET, BUT I GOT IT BACK

52. Scream at Aro one day 'I can't believe you escaped jail!" In a human place, then run.

53. Hide in the kitchen cupboards, when a human comes jump out and shout 'welcome to Narnia!' Then hop away.

54. Get in a taxi and tell the human to follow a parked car

55. Walk in the women's room at the castle and shout 'hey you with the dick!' And see his many look.


End file.
